When it comes to addressing such differences, we have two options - doing it on the dance floor or in the boxing ring.
For the longest time, most people have been doing it in the boxing ring. And I guess that this is the reason why we are still where we are, still unsure about other people and not knowing how to approach them and address certain issues.
We received an overwhelming response from RSG listeners last week, asking how to deal with certain situations in the work place. These things are happening outside of the work place as well. The following issues were some of those that were raised:
Listener one
I have a colleague at work, who, every time I comb my hair or put on lipstick, she wants to use my comb and lipstick too. How do I deal with this? How do I tell her that I do not like this, without being seen as a racist?
Before focusing on this particular question, my question to the employer of these two individuals would be: "Why haven't you created a work place culture, where one could communicate their likes, dislikes and differences with respect and empathy?" This question from the particular listener that might seem like an insignificant matter, could have a negative impact on the productivity of both employees, if it doesn't get resolved on the dance floor- (with respectful and empathic communication.)
It is important to create an environment at work and in society, where people feel free and safe to voice their opinions. We deal with people of different races, cultures and religions in the work place and elsewhere, therefore creating such a platform is extremely important.
My answer to this listener
I do understand your concerns about the possibility of being seen as a racist, if you were to communicate your disapproval to your colleague. It is sad that your work place doesn't have a platform where you could do this with respect and empathy, on the dance floor instead of in the boxing ring.
One of the key things to remember, is that we should never generalise.
In South Africa, we wonder about things that people from other cultures, races and religions do. And it is sad that we are "afraid" to ask about those things that we do not understand. We are fearful, because most of us do not know how to ask without generalising. Generalising is an invitation to the boxing ring.
I remember that somebody once asked me: "Why do you Coloureds like to pull your front teeth?"
This person asked this question to me, a Coloured who has front teeth. Let's just say that I wasn't very friendly...
To listener one...
If you were to communicate with your colleague, it is important to not make the mistake and ask her: Why do you (people of your racial group and / or culture) do this? This is generalisation and belongs in the boxing ring. And I guess that this is how we have been doing it for the longest time. And this is why we are still struggling with the same issues. Believe me that there are people from different races and cultures who do not mind sharing their personal items and there are those who do.
If you have hygiene concerns, which are legitimate, communicate these to your colleague. Instead of only focusing on what you could possibly catch from her by sharing your comb and lipstick, point out that she could also catch something from you by using your personal items.
I have recently watched the DR. OZ Show on television and was shocked to see the bacteria that were found on the lipstick- and mascara testers at make-up counters, that are there for all to use. Anybody who has seen the show (and was in the habit of sharing such personal items) would never want to use someone else's lipstick again - even if it is the lipstick of their family member or of a very good friend.
Listener two
This listener had concerns about sharing cool drink (I guess drinking from the same straw). I would say that the same (as above) applies here. Communicate your preference with respect and empathy - on the dance floor, allowing her to take a step after you have taken a step.
You can say: "I do not understand why you would want to be exposed to catching possible germs from me by drinking on my straw. I would not like to catch germs from someone else, and that is why I prefer to not share a straw."
Your colleague could then tell you why they do not mind sharing in this way, but would not be as offended, because you prefer something different.
If you have challenges around communicating about such issues in the work place, then I guess it is time for some changes; time to create a platform where different individuals are invited to the work place dance floor, where respectful and empathic communication, a willingness to share and learn from others are key ingredients to start with.
I have no doubt that this would have a positive result on overall productivity. So, changing the work place culture into an empathic one, could ultimately improve work place relationships, minimise or eliminate all those awkward misunderstandings and have a positive effect on company profits.
Listener three
This listener has a problem with getting hugged. She emphasises that she is a very friendly person and that she loves people, but just don't want to be hugged.
To hug or not to hug...
Hugging is a very personal thing for most people, in spite of the increase in people hugging each other, after swine flu threats that resulted in a decrease in shaking hands.
Once again, whatever your preference, you should feel free to communicate that, but do so on the dance floor (respect and empathy) and not invite people to the boxing ring.
Let's get into the habit of getting into each others' shoes more often. Let's give to others what we would like to receive. Let's be sensitive, respectful and consider empathy, when we communicate about challenging issues.
If you want to change your work place culture into a respectful and empathic dance floor, you can contact me. I come in, speak to your employees to find out what their challenges are and work out a plan, tailored to your work place environment. More importantly though, I assist with implementing these changes.
What are your empathy and relationship challenges?
Let us know by sending a text message to the RSG studio, to 33343. Text messages are charged at R1, 50 each. Who knows, I might be focusing on your challenge next time. You can send your text message on week days, between 09h00 & 12h00. You can stay anonymous.
For any enquiries, contact me: Andeline Williams-Pretorius
CEO, Andeline's Motivational Training
Nominated in the ROCCI - Business of the year awards,
2012.
Andeline is Life Coach & Columnist for Kuier Magazine.
Regular Empathy & Relationship Expert on Afrikaans Radio station: RSG.
PR Consultant & Author
"Andeline was recognised by African Innovations as one of
South Africa's Most Inspirational Women."
Their glossy page coffee table book, featuring
Andeline and 29 others (inluding industry leaders), coming soon.
Mobile: 072 856 0218
If you would like to order a copy of my book on Empathy and how this wonderful virtue, could transform various kinds of relationships, contact me. It is a wonderful and priceless tool. Cost: R159, 00 + postage.
Unfortunately it is currently only available in Afrikaans, but I hope that I'll have it translated to English in the near future.
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