Why aren't we seeing real change, when it comes to abuse? My empathy contribution on RSG this morning.

It is that time of the year again; time for 16 days of activism against the abuse of women and children.  I look back over the years and ask myself why it seems as if nothing has changed, in spite of this campaign, in spite of millions that are pumped into awareness campaigns every year.  And sadly, it seems as if every second organisation jumps onto the band waggon, because there is money to be made - when they know that they would not "care" if this was not the case.

Yes, there are wonderful organisations that are truly committed to making a positive contribution and they do.

Why do we still see so many cases of abuse?
My guess is that the focus has become fancy "fundraising" parties, instead of creating real change, by focusing on the root cause.  And that is the self-esteem and level of assertiveness of both women and men.

What comes to mind here, is the person who says that they are passionate about education, but they have a domestic worker who can't read and write, and they don't bother about that.  

Why do abused women allow abuse?
Some of the many reasons include a lack of self-esteem and assertiveness.  Another big culprit, is the fact that they grew up and witnessed abuse and were conditioned into believing that that was acceptable.  Some abused women have such a distorted picture of what love is and feel "loved" when they are abused by their partner.

"The sins of the fathers" - carried over from one generation to the next.
As someone who grew up in an abusive environment, I am glad that I saw the day when my mother said: "Enough."  She saw the effect of having to witness her being beaten, had on her children.  She took a stand, but was it a little too late?

My mother turned her back on abuse.  She no longer was a victim.  She taught us to never allow ourselves to be abused in a relationship.  I wrongfully believed that there was only physical abuse and lost sight of the other forms of abuse.  I allowed myself to be in two relationships where I wasn't treated with much respect.  I stayed for far too long, because I thought: "At least he doesn't beat me..."  This is the story of still too many women today.

I eventually walked away, because I realised that I deserved to be treated better.  It started by me treating myself better and with more respect.

She was not so lucky
One of my sisters was not so lucky.  She died as a result of staying with an abusive man.  Due to a technicality, he was never prosecuted.  She was set alight by this man and ended up in hospital with third degree burns over 55% of her body.  She was in hospital for months.  We didn't think that she would recover.  While still in hospital, receiving skin transplants and physiotherapy, she contracted meningitis.  Her complaints about severe headaches in hospital, had fallen on deaf ears.  

I still remember asking one of the nurses whether they shouldn't do a cat scan, because my sister cannot complain about headaches every day.  This nurse said to me: "The doctor said that she is just pretending and looking for attention."   

The "joy's" of being in a government hospital...  

The meningitis was only discovered after my sister lost consciousness. This was the cause of death, so this man never paid for what he has done to my sister.

Improving my self-esteem, my saving grace

I look back, and can hardly believe that I allowed myself to be disrespected like that.  Being the person that I am today, I cannot believe that I stayed in those relationships back then.  

Before meeting my husband, I managed to start working on improving my self-esteem.  It was a wonderful change to be in a relationship where my opinion mattered, where what I wanted to do, was important as well.

I have since been on a mission to guide women and young girls with improving their self-esteem and level of assertiveness.  I have also developed a training programme that has helped a number of people - including men.

Why do abusive men abuse their partner?

Once again, there are many reasons.  The most important ones, include a lack of self-esteem and assertiveness.  Some abusers grew up in an environment where they were abused as children or witnessed their mother being abused.  They are conditioned into believing that that is how you resolve conflict, and that is what you are supposed to treat women.  This is what they know and the vicious cycle continues, often from the one generation to the next.

How do we change this?  How do we bring those abuse statistics down?
We can do this by taking a real stand.  If you are a woman who is abused by your partner, you can make a decision today to no longer stand for it.  If you have children, look at the effects of witnessing you being abused, has on them.  

When you stay, you are indirectly teaching them that abuse is acceptable. They won't be able to make better decisions.  You have a responsibility to choose in what kind of family your children will grow up.  Make it one where they don't witness abuse.  Improve your self-esteem and assertiveness, because there is no way that you'll allow yourself to be abused when you feel good about yourself and when you know your wonderful worth and value.

Make sure that your young boys grow up knowing that they need to treat women with the same kind of respect that they wish to receive.  Make sure that your young boys grow up with a healthy self-esteem and level of assertiveness.

All too often aggression is mistaken for assertiveness and children are taught, directly or indirectly, that you use your fists to resolve conflict.  This is not okay.  This is not okay.

Let's do our bit to ensure that real positive change.  

Why do we constantly have to work at fixing broken people, when we have an opportunity to try and do things right from the very beginning.  We have an opportunity to write the best messages on that clean slate of our children.

The importance of EMPATHY
What a wonderful virtue?  
With empathy, we can (over time), eradicate so many social ills.  What a wonderful world we'll be able to build when more people would be focusing on the importance of empathy; when more people would consider getting into the shoes of others, BEFORE doing or saying that hurtful thing.

What a wonderful world we'll be able to build when more people would consider asking themselves: How would I feel if someone would do the hurtful thing that I consider doing, to me or to someone I care about?  How would I feel?

And hopefully these questions will inspire us to do something different.


What is your empathy or relationship challenge?
Let us know by sending a text message to the RSG studio 33343 - on week days between 09h00 and 12h00.  Text messages are charged at R1, 50 each.  Alternatively, you can send an email to brinkm@rsg.co.za  We might be focusing on your challenge next time.  And remember, you can stay anonymous.

"RSG, Dis die een."

Thank you.

Yours in Empathy.

Andeline.
Mobile: 072 856 0218
Email: info@andeline.co.za


About Andeline Williams-Pretorius
"Andeline is an Inspirational Speaker and Trainer.  She is the author of a book on empathy, titled: In Mekaar Se Skoene that was published by Naledi.

She is Life Coach / Columnist to Kuier Magazine and regular Empathy and Relationship expert on Afrikaans radio station: RSG.

Andeline was identified by African Innovations as one of South Africa's Most Inspirational Women." 

Their glossy-page coffee table book is available now. It is a wonderful collectors item and will make a wonderful Christmas gift.

This is what the cover of this beautiful book looks like.

To order your copy (R350,00 each), contact Lonwabo Jabavu at African Innovations Publishing: lonwabo@africaninnovations.co.za   
Mobile: 073 044 0604.

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