Empathy is such a small virtue, but one with enormous powers whether it is applied correctly or whether we lack it.
There are two scenarios that require empathy:
1. To help us re-consider (and deciding against) an unkind act that we are tempted to commit. Basic human kindness and consideration for our fellow human being and for animals.
2. Empathy is needed when we need to let go of emotional pain, when we need to let go and forgive.
When we look at all the hurt, destruction, crime, ill-treatment of people and animals that we see in our world, at the root of all of that is a lack of empathy. It always starts with someone who looks out for themselves, someone who decides to take or do whatever will benefit them; someone with a total disregard for others.
We lost the ability to step back, to get into the shoes of others and ask: "How would I feel if someone else did this to me or to a member of my family?" Asking this question alone is not enough though. We have to ACT and actually make the decision to not follow through with the unkind, hurtful or destructive action.
My passion for Empathy
For most of my life and as far back as I can remember, I have always been on the receiving end of unkind treatment. I look back and realise that it was mostly as a result of the severe lack of self-esteem and assertiveness that I struggled with. I still recall the words of a friend of mine, when I was still in primary school: "Why do all these bad things happen to you?", she asked me.
This question stayed with me for many years. It became a question that I asked myself every time someone treated me badly. It was a question that reinforced self-pity, until I started to ask it in the right way, untill I added a few more questions:
What else, other than the obvious, could this mean?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
How am I supposed to grow as a result of this experience?
What can I teach?
These questions not only helped me look at myself in a different way, it also allowed me to see what the perpatrator possibly lacked. It allowed me to see that often people do negative things or hurt others, because they do not know better.
Social factors also play a huge role. Often people see themself as kind, as empathic human beings, while their emathy is reserved for a select few i.e. family, people from their racial group, people from the same religious background, etc.
The child who grows up in a home where it is perfectly normal and acceptable to treat a person from a different race, culture and / or religion in a disrespectful manner, may see nothing wrong with that. This is what they know.
For such a person to change their behaviour, they would have to unlearn that. That person would have to walk in the shoes of the other person that they see as not worthy of better treatment, and ask: "How would I feel if I was on the receiving end of such treatment?"
The recent reports on the rape of three mentally disabled teenagers, BY teenagers and adults in Soweto, has shaken the nation and the world. How did we get here? How does it happen that we have people committing such a terrible offence towards another human being?
In one of my tweets last week, I said that if we were to ask the culprits whether it would be okay if such a thing were to happen to their sister, mother or brother. I said that I was certain that their answer would be "no."
Why then is it okay to hurt others, when we prefer the exact opposite? Why is it such a challenge to want to give to others the good that we want for ourselves?
Some examples may be less severe than raping or killing, but we see this everywhere in our society, from the playground, to the boardroom to our social environments.
It starts with something simple, something small, but then it escalates into something bigger, because we get away with it.
Committing these cruel act, cannot be the first disrespectful, hurtful and violating deed that these culprits engage in.
Simple examples, that can escalate:
1. You bump into someone in a shopping mall. You were looking elsewhere and as a result your trolley or you collide with another person. Do you first look to see who this person is, what racial group they are from or what they wear, to justify an apology?
Would you want someone to apologise if it was their fault?
2. Someone asks you for a glass of water. You do not check to see whether the glass is clean, because of the way this person looks, because of their "lack of status." In fact, when you do notice that the glass is in fact dirty, you proceed, because: "They can drink in that glass, because they are not an important person."
Do you prefer that someone brings you water in a glass that is sparkly clean? Why not give the same to others?
3. Have you ever prepared a sandwich for your child and their friend(s), and justified giving a sandwich with only margarien for example to the friends, while your child's sandwich has ham, cheese, or whatever your child prefers?
How would you feel if you found out that your child's friend's mom, does the same? Not a very good feeling, hey?
Yes, it is very simple, but this is how it normally starts and then it escalates into something bigger.
We can all do something today to make the world a place where we become more empathy- conscious.
Because of all the hurtful things I experienced in the past, I had one of two choices:
1. To retaliate and engage in reciprocal action, hurting those who caused me pain.
2. I could learn from it and decide to instead of retaliation, use the experience and turn it into something that would positively contribute to the greater good of humanity.
I chose the latter. I created The Empathy Campaign;
I wrote my book on empathy: In Mekaar Se Skoene, and how this wonderful virtue could transform various kinds of relationships. Some of the positive feedback received includes that "it is a book that needs to be on the bookshelf of every household."
What we require now is to make it accessible to more people by translating it to English.
South Africa and the world, let's make an effort to live empathy-conscious lives. Mr. Nelson Mandela set such a wonderful example. We have a responsibility to ensure that we do not loose that, but build on it.
With Madiba Day coming up, most people agree that every day should be Madiba Day. Let's ensure that this is not merely a cliché. Let's turn it into reality.
The Empathy Campaign could certainly contribute to that.
Listen to my contribution on Empathy, on RSG, tomorrow morning with specific reference to these simple acts, and how they can escalate. The programme is: "Oggend Op RSG", between 09h00 & 10h00.
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