You are a new graduate; Now what?

My graduation this past week, (23 / 04 / 2012) was indeed a proud moment.  Years of hard work, commitment and sacrifices finally paid off.  For as long as I can remember, I was a self-made entrepreneur.  It is indeed a blessing to be able to take a life experience and create something of it; something that contributes to the greater good of humanity, something that can assist with paying the bills. 

Here, my programmes come to mind:

• How to improve Self-esteem & Assertiveness
• The Art Of Letting Go of emotional pain / prolonged anger
• Grow your business by getting great publicity (expert positioning),

to name a few.

As I sat there, listening to the words of the Vice chancellor, congratulating the new graduates with the accomplishment, encouraging us to contribute to our communities, I felt somewhat sad.

Why?

I felt sad because I realised that most new graduates, even though they would prefer to do this and contribute, do not necessarily know where to start.  Most graduates think that getting their degree is a guarantee that they will find employment. 

Why aren't they taught what to do, should this not be the case?

Just recently, television news reported on the huge number of Social workers who recently completed their studies, but are struggling to find employment.  

How do they contribute when they do not have money to put the basics on the table?

Another question that came to mind, was:

Why do we not teach students the necessary life skills that will equip them with skills to re-invent themselves? 

The advantage of such skills, will equip them with the ability to successfully overcome challenges that they may be presented with at a later stage.  Life is tough, and there is a lot of competition out there.  Those who will make it, are the ones with this wonderful ability.

I am lucky, because I learnt all these things AND THEN enrolled to study. 

One of my Psychology professors once said to me: "Andeline, you have such an amazing ability to create and teach, as a result of your life experiences." 

I decided to work at getting an official qualification to create more credibility for what I know and do.

Something should be done about our graduate dilemma.  I see far too many new graduates who struggle to find employment and do not know how to make it happen for themselves. 

Tertiary institutions should invest in such programmes.

Most new graduates have no financial education and it saddened me to see how many of them completed credit card application forms that they were instructed to complete.  Most of these young graduates are now starting off on a financially irresponsible note.  Perhaps tertiary institutions and financial institutions should make an effort to properly educate such young graduates.

If they were taught about re-inventing themselves, about the harsh realities out there, and about more responsible financial behaviour, they would know better than to accept every credit card offer, thinking that they have money in the bank.


A snippet on re-inventing yourself or your business

The need to re-invent oneself and / or one's business, is one that nobody can ignore these days. People's circumstances, relationships and world economic climates are constantly changing. We have to reinvent ourselves and our businesses to keep up with these changes that often feel like a rug has been pulled out from under our feet.

We are living in a competitive society, where only those who stand out, are the best, or engages in successful re-inventing strategies, will succeed. It is foolish for anyone to only depend on job security these days. Most people realise the need for re-invention. Some enrol to study further, others follow their passion and become self-employed and others discover and develop their niche.

As a small-town girl, I arrived in Gauteng a few years ago; dead afraid of the big city. I asked myself: “How do I, who at first glance, appear to not have that natural stand-out ability, get noticed for what I do?”

The answer came from one of my passions: Self-esteem. I ensured that I wore my Self-esteem Police-outfit to networking functions. People were curious about what I did and asked questions.  Exactly what I wanted. The media too became interested and ever since, I mastered the art of re-inventing myself. When I look at some of the wonderful accolades that came my way, I often have to pinch myself, because my journey is a true miracle – one combined with hard work, determination, getting up after every fall, stubborn faith and self-belief.

My journey was tough, but yours doesn't have to be.

How you could re-invent yourself or your business

The first step is to recognise when it is time to make the change. Often this step requires taking a leap of faith. The pleasure vs pain principle is often a huge motivating factor. Be informed. This way one could ensure one gains the knowledge and skills to ensure one is not left behind. Look around you. What are the trends?, What are other people or industry leaders doing? What could you do? How could you improve yourself or your product?

The importance of asking the right questions

Whoever you are, one thing is certain for all of us. We will experience emotional pain, disappointment, loss, become irritated or get angry. These are not nice at all, but there is great value in learning the lessons behind all of these.

You could do this by asking the right questions:

• What else could this mean?
• What am I supposed to learn from this?
• How can I grow, as a result of what happened?
• What can I teach, as a result of the experience?
• How can I use it to improve my personal or professional life?

When re-inventing oneself or one's business, consider the following:

• Planning.
• Passion and a Positive attitude.
• People and their Purpose.
• Persistence.
• PR Power.
• Power of Networking.
• Possible power of Collaboration.

Planning

It is important to know exactly what it is that one wishes to change or accomplish. Jot down possible strategies on how to turn your desire into reality. Should you not have all the answers, you could speak to someone who already walked the distance. Do not loose faith when one strategy doesn't work. Evaluate why it did not work, learn from it and do better next time.

Passion and a Positive attitude

In order to re-invent oneself or one's business, it goes without saying that one has to be passionate about the dream one wishes to accomplish. On tough days, you could remain positive by visualising your ideal circumstances. Cut pictures about your ideal life and circumstances from magazines, and create a collage. This could be a wonderful motivating tool.

People and their Purpose

We all need people in our lives. These people are either loved ones, clients, business associates of business prospects. It is important to recognise the role of each individual in the various categories of our lives.  Let go of those relationships that drain you and where the only thing that keeps it alive is your hope that they eventually might support you.  Hope is a good thing, but here I do not recommend it.  Do not waste time hoping. You could use that energy to get closer to your dream by focusing on the right people.

Persistence

Whether one quits a job to become self-employed or whether one would like to make changes in one's personal life, there will be challenges. It is important to have someone or something to inspire us to keep going, and to stay focused on those days when you feel like quitting. Starting one's own business often means working long hours, without a salary or days off. If you believe in your dream, are prepared to invest the hours and persist, in spite of challenges, success will be inevitable.

PR Power

Perhaps you could re-invent yourself in such a way that the media would become interested in featuring you or your great idea. This could also assist with getting you to where you want to be much sooner. Do not blend in. Stand out.

Power of networking

Networking should be less about business card grabbing, and more about making a connection with fewer, but more valuable contacts. How about wearing an interesting outfit, representing what you do, to the next networking function? Chances are, everybody would notice and be interested in who you are and what you do. Be creative and dare to be different. The downside of networking is that people often waste too much time recruiting individuals who do not like them. The art of deciphering non-verbal communication provides a wonderful time-saving tool. Make it your business to study body language. This could help you identify that a certain look, perhaps means: “buzz off.”

Possible power of collaboration

It is important to know whether it may be a great idea to collaborate or whether you should do your own thing.  Whether your re-invention is on a personal level or in business, consider a possible collaboration. Working with someone else (the right person) could serve as wonderful motivation, because it often inspires greater creativity. 

Trust, respect and commitment are extremely important, more so when making the decision to work with others on a certain project.  It does not make sense to work with people when you do not trust or respect them.

Do not ignore that little voice inside.  When something does not feel right, it usually isn't.

Trust your intuition. You were born with it for a very good reason.

Wishing you a great career and bright future.

Empathy - what the world needs now

Empathy is such a small virtue, but one with enormous powers whether it is applied correctly or whether we lack it.

There are two scenarios that require empathy:

1. To help us re-consider (and deciding against) an unkind act that we are tempted to commit.  Basic human kindness and consideration for our fellow human being and for animals.

2. Empathy is needed when we need to let go of emotional pain, when we need to let go and forgive.

When we look at all the hurt, destruction, crime, ill-treatment of people and animals that we see in our world, at the root of all of that is a lack of empathy.  It always starts with someone who looks out for themselves, someone who decides to take or do whatever will benefit them; someone with a total disregard for others. 

We lost the ability to step back, to get into the shoes of others and ask: "How would I feel if someone else did this to me or to a member of my family?" Asking this question alone is not enough though.  We have to ACT and actually make the decision to not follow through with the unkind, hurtful or destructive action.

My passion for Empathy

For most of my life and as far back as I can remember, I have always been on the receiving end of unkind treatment.  I look back and realise that it was mostly as a result of the severe lack of self-esteem and assertiveness that I struggled with.  I still recall the words of a friend of mine, when I was still in primary school: "Why do all these bad things happen to you?", she asked me.  

This question stayed with me for many years.  It became a question that I asked myself every time someone treated me badly.  It was a question that reinforced self-pity, until I started to ask it in the right way, untill I added a few more questions:

What else, other than the obvious, could this mean?

What am I supposed to learn from this?

How am I supposed to grow as a result of this experience?

What can I teach?

These questions not only helped me look at myself in a different way, it also allowed me to see what the perpatrator possibly lacked.  It allowed me to see that often people do negative things or hurt others, because they do not know better.

Social factors also play a huge role.  Often people see themself as kind, as empathic human beings, while their emathy is reserved for a select few i.e. family, people from their racial group, people from the same religious background, etc.

The child who grows up in a home where it is perfectly normal and acceptable to treat a person from a different race, culture and / or religion in a disrespectful manner, may see nothing wrong with that.  This is what they know.

For such a person to change their behaviour, they would have to unlearn that.  That person would have to walk in the shoes of the other person that they see as not worthy of better treatment, and ask: "How would I feel if I was on the receiving end of such treatment?" 

The recent reports on the rape of three mentally disabled teenagers, BY teenagers and adults in Soweto, has shaken the nation and the world.  How did we get here?  How does it happen that we have people committing such a terrible offence towards another human being?

In one of my tweets last week, I said that if we were to ask the culprits whether it would be okay if such a thing were to happen to their sister, mother or brother.  I said that I was certain that their answer would be "no." 

Why then is it okay to hurt others, when we prefer the exact opposite?  Why is it such a challenge to want to give to others the good that we want for ourselves?

Some examples may be less severe than raping or killing, but we see this everywhere in our society, from the playground, to the boardroom to our social environments. 

It starts with something simple, something small, but then it escalates into something bigger, because we get away with it. 

Committing these cruel act, cannot be the first disrespectful, hurtful and violating deed that these culprits engage in.

Simple examples, that can escalate:

1. You bump into someone in a shopping mall.  You were looking elsewhere and as a result your trolley or you collide with another person.  Do you first look to see who this person is, what racial group they are from or what they wear, to justify an apology? 

Would you want someone to apologise if it was their fault?

2. Someone asks you for a glass of water.  You do not check to see whether the glass is clean, because of the way this person looks, because of their "lack of status."  In fact, when you do notice that the glass is in fact dirty, you proceed, because: "They can drink in that glass, because they are not an important person." 

Do you prefer that someone brings you water in a glass that is sparkly clean?  Why not give the same to others?

3. Have you ever prepared a sandwich for your child and their friend(s), and justified giving a sandwich with only margarien for example to the friends, while your child's sandwich has ham, cheese, or whatever your child prefers? 

How would you feel if you found out that your child's friend's mom, does the same?  Not a very good feeling, hey?

Yes, it is very simple, but this is how it normally starts and then it escalates into something bigger.

We can all do something today to make the world a place where we become more empathy- conscious.

Because of all the hurtful things I experienced in the past, I had one of two choices:

1. To retaliate and engage in reciprocal action, hurting those who caused me pain.

2.  I could learn from it and decide to instead of retaliation, use the experience and turn it into something that would positively contribute to the greater good of humanity.

I chose the latter.  I created The Empathy Campaign;

http://www.facebook.com/empathycampaignsa 

I wrote my book on empathy: In Mekaar Se Skoene, and how this wonderful virtue could transform various kinds of relationships.  Some of the positive feedback received includes that "it is a book that needs to be on the bookshelf of every household."

What we require now is to make it accessible to more people by translating it to English. 

South Africa and the world, let's make an effort to live empathy-conscious lives.  Mr. Nelson Mandela set such a wonderful example.  We have a responsibility to ensure that we do not loose that, but build on it.

With Madiba Day coming up, most people agree that every day should be Madiba Day.  Let's ensure that this is not merely a cliché.  Let's turn it into reality.

The Empathy Campaign could certainly contribute to that.

Listen to my contribution on Empathy, on RSG, tomorrow morning with specific reference to these simple acts, and how they can escalate.  The programme is: "Oggend Op RSG", between 09h00 & 10h00.

The Black Sheep Of Our Emotions

UPCOMING BREAKFAST SEMINAR

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - The Art Of Letting Go

If you are currently struggling to let go of prolonged anger or emotional pain, and you find yourself, at times, being consumed by your pain or anger, this seminar is a must attend.  You'll be guided through practical steps that will help you release prolonged anger and emotional pain that are negatively affecting your productivity.  You'll also be equipped to better deal with future irritations, before they grow into an emotional mountain.

Often times when we struggle with an inability to let go, and are still looking for answers to the question: "Why me?", it is difficult to comprehend that it is indeed in our best interest to let go.  By entertaining this "why me"- ritual, again and again, we are in fact hurting ourselves more than anyone ever has or ever could.

But how do we come to fully understand this when we are still sitting with that lump in our throat, because of the emotional pain?  How do we fully understand when we are still selfishly clinging onto prolonged anger, to our "right" to get revenge?  How do we get to understand when all that we are aware of, is the hurt, humiliation or the horribly unfair treatment responsible for our predicament?

Is this not the question we all want an answer to, the question that we have all asked ourselves at some stage; a valuable question when it comes to matters of growth - personal or in business:
How? 
How do I do it?

Before answering this question, it is important to see why making a change is necessary.  It is important to be aware of the negative consequences of NOT changing, and then to create that desire to want to change.  This can only happen when we realise that we deserve a better life that is emotionally more productive.  This can only happen when we believe that we deserve to be free from crippling emotional pain and negative prolonged anger.  And this can happen when we are set free from fantasies of revenge.  Do you love yourself enough to try and let go?

Why holding on is not good
To clarify the above statement, I'll share one of my activities with you.  I call it The Sponge Effect Technique. 

If you can, I would like for you to physically do this activity.   Take a sponge, not bigger than the size of your hand, put it in your palm.  Close your hand into a fist.  Now squeeze, as if to demonstrate how angry you are as a result of a particular issue; or as to demonstrate the level of your emotional pain.  Hold this grip for about ten seconds.  Now release.

What do you see?


Perhaps a few white and pink or red patches in your palm?  Perhaps you queezed so hard that you can see imprints of the round edges of some of your fingernails.  How does your hand feel?  Perhaps a little achy?

What else do you see?

AHA - The sponge jumped right back to it's original form. 

You were unable to affect the shape of the sponge, regardless of the amount of pressure you applied.  This is exactly what happens when we hold onto prolonged anger and toy around with feelings of revenge.  This is what happens when we are unable to let go of emotional pain.  WE are the only ones to be affected, we are the only ones who suffer.  We are hurting ourselves more and for a longer period of time.  Remember the white and pink / red patches, the imprints of your fingernails and the possible achy hand?

(The sponge represents the person, group, system, etc. that you feel are responsible for your anger or emotional pain)


There is no need to continue hurting yourself.  You too can learn to let go and positively move forward.  You too can "turn your pain into something powerful", something that will contribute to the greater good of humanity.  This may not make sense when we are still in pain, but the good news is that it eventually does when we commit to our journey towards healing.

If you are still stuck and are desperate to be free, book your seat to attend my public seminar:  The Art Of Letting Go.

Date:       Thursday, 12 July 2012
Time:      09h00 - 12h00
Venue:    Alice Art, 217 Dryf Ave. Ruimsig, Roodepoort, Johannesburg. 
Cost:       R690, 00 (discounted public seminar rate)
                
Early Bird Special

Pay only R560, 00 when you book your seat by Saturday, 30 June 2012.
Bookings close on Tuesday, 10 July 2012.
 Please visit my website: http://www.andeline.co.za/   See Home page & Events for banking details to secure your seat. 

Empathic guidance by Andeline Williams-Pretorius, comprehensive notes, a scrumptious breakfast.
Please note:To let go of emotional pain or prolonged anger, is not something that happens in the blink of an eye.  It takes time.  We are all different.  To be honest, it took me five years to let go of prolonged anger that affected my health.  One day I thought I was ready and felt comfortable to let go, while the next day I selfishly clung onto the anger.

By sharing my techniques with you, techniques that I discovered while I was in pain, as a result of the pain, your journey towards healing could be shortened.  I am available to answer futher questions that may arise after the seminar, because Your Wellness Is important to me.


Andeline Williams Pretorius.
http://www.andeline.co.za/