Some of my pet peeves when it come to business relationships

Empathy and Respect in business, are priceless.

I love helping people when I can. The number one thing about this, that one should master, is to not expect anything in return, not even a “thank you.” This will ensure that you are not disappointed. I think that I've mastered this.

However, what I do not understand, is that some people get out there and proclaim that they've known it all along and had no guidance whatsoever. Why then ask questions on various occasions, when you knew everything all along?

I guess that nobody could get pass their conscience – hopefully.

We could all learn from one another and it is an honourable thing to give credit when it is due.

Because of various negative experiences, have made the decision to be more selective when it comes to helping people. Recently, I have done my best to assist someone by utilising my resources as PR Consultant, not expecting anything in return. Photographs were taken, but before images were uploaded on Facebook, I was neatly cropped out (cut out) of the images. I was the only person of colour in those images.  This made me wonder whether I was considered as "not good enough" to be in the images that were posted on Facebook - Ironic, especially when I was the only one who provided support.  Strange... 

I was shocked and asked this individual why I was cropped out of the images. They were immediately on the defence, saying that they are not a racist – as if I said that they were. I referred them back to my email where I asked a simple “why?”, without any accusations. Their response certainly caught me by surprise. Everything that I was still willing to do, vanished...just like that.

Yes, we still have a lot of issues around race relationships in South Africa. This is why, when I can assist people, I always look for different races, making sure that I assist a white individual, a black individual, a coloured individual, etc.

To “like” or not to “like”

If you want me to “like” your Facebook page, you have to like mine – unless you are someone whom I admire and I chose to “like” your page, because I was inspired to do so. This also means that I will “unlike” a few pages that I currently “like” and “like” a few that I do not “like” already.

Do not ask me to “like” the page of your friend whom I do not know.

My PR Services

Do not ask me for the contact details of journalists, producers, etc., unless we have some business support agreement. If we do not have such an agreement and are not going to establish such an agreement (which is mutually beneficial), you should make use of my services as PR Consultant.

Speaking for exposure

Many speakers are asked to speak at a function (for free) and in return they are promised exposure. Like many speakers, I too have done this, but I got to that stage where I am no longer desperate for someone else to give me exposure, because I know how to get exposure for myself. 

My time is just as valuable as yours and not many people are aware of the amount of time that goes into preparing one's speech. And as a speaker, you have to look great when standing in front of an audience, and that costs money.  As speakers we look at our schedules and decide (perhaps a year in advance) how many times in the following year we can afford to speak for free or at a reduced rate.  Allow me the privilege to make this decision and do not simply expect me to do so. It is disrespectful.  

Since we all want to grow our businesses, you have to consider options that will be valuable to the other party, in return for speaking at that reduced rate.  "Exposure at your function", is not good enough for me.

And most people already have specific charities that they support; I have founded one.

Promises, promises, promises

Do not make promises that you cannot keep or do not intend keeping. And just because nobody comes to you to ask you about what you have promised them, doesn't mean that they do not wonder about it.

Everybody could quote religious phrases on their Facebook page. That however, is no guarantee that they necessarily live a very religious life or that treating others in the way that they would like to be treated, is a priority to them.  Let's face it, some people do abuse religion when they think that it is convenient to do so or when they want to cover up their real motive, which is about grabbing and taking what they can.  When they are done, they chuck you aside.  

And of course, not all of these people pretend to be hugely religious - some pretend to be interested in doing respectful business, when, to them, it is only about "what's in it for me?"

About Feedback

When you give feedback, be honest or do not give feedback at all. You cannot deny it later, because you feel that the feedback given, would perhaps make you look like "less of an expert."  And worse: your integrity will be questioned.

About Endorsements and Recommendations

It is one thing to endorse someone's skill(s) and quite another to write a recommendation. I believe that in order to write a recommendation for someone, one would have to have experienced their great service in some way or another.

Over a period of about two months, I've received three requests to write a recommendation on LinkedIn.  At first I thought to simply ignore the request, because I do not know the person well enough to write a recommendation. I received the third request last week and decided to respond, saying that I only recommend those who's services I have experienced in some way and that I thought that it would be unethical of me to write one, when this was not the case.

Of course, we cannot work with- or support EVERYBODY. Let's identify those individuals who would make the best match for your business, but more importantly, let's focus on building business relationships that are mutually beneficial; relationships that are built on respect and trust. 

Do not use people, thinking that they are stupid and won't even notice.  Believe me, they always do – And they will talk about it behind your back.


IN CONCLUSION:
Every individual has the right and responsibility to step up, speak up, be assertive and not allow themselves to be used.  Exercise your right and responsibility.  It will save you from getting unnecessary business headaches.

Best wishes on your business journey.

Yours in Empathy,

Andeline Williams-Pretorius

Inspirational Speaker, Trainer, Author

Life Coach and Columnist to Kuier magazine

Empathy & Relationship Expert on RSG

info@andeline.co.za

Why aren't we seeing real change, when it comes to abuse? My empathy contribution on RSG this morning.

It is that time of the year again; time for 16 days of activism against the abuse of women and children.  I look back over the years and ask myself why it seems as if nothing has changed, in spite of this campaign, in spite of millions that are pumped into awareness campaigns every year.  And sadly, it seems as if every second organisation jumps onto the band waggon, because there is money to be made - when they know that they would not "care" if this was not the case.

Yes, there are wonderful organisations that are truly committed to making a positive contribution and they do.

Why do we still see so many cases of abuse?
My guess is that the focus has become fancy "fundraising" parties, instead of creating real change, by focusing on the root cause.  And that is the self-esteem and level of assertiveness of both women and men.

What comes to mind here, is the person who says that they are passionate about education, but they have a domestic worker who can't read and write, and they don't bother about that.  

Why do abused women allow abuse?
Some of the many reasons include a lack of self-esteem and assertiveness.  Another big culprit, is the fact that they grew up and witnessed abuse and were conditioned into believing that that was acceptable.  Some abused women have such a distorted picture of what love is and feel "loved" when they are abused by their partner.

"The sins of the fathers" - carried over from one generation to the next.
As someone who grew up in an abusive environment, I am glad that I saw the day when my mother said: "Enough."  She saw the effect of having to witness her being beaten, had on her children.  She took a stand, but was it a little too late?

My mother turned her back on abuse.  She no longer was a victim.  She taught us to never allow ourselves to be abused in a relationship.  I wrongfully believed that there was only physical abuse and lost sight of the other forms of abuse.  I allowed myself to be in two relationships where I wasn't treated with much respect.  I stayed for far too long, because I thought: "At least he doesn't beat me..."  This is the story of still too many women today.

I eventually walked away, because I realised that I deserved to be treated better.  It started by me treating myself better and with more respect.

She was not so lucky
One of my sisters was not so lucky.  She died as a result of staying with an abusive man.  Due to a technicality, he was never prosecuted.  She was set alight by this man and ended up in hospital with third degree burns over 55% of her body.  She was in hospital for months.  We didn't think that she would recover.  While still in hospital, receiving skin transplants and physiotherapy, she contracted meningitis.  Her complaints about severe headaches in hospital, had fallen on deaf ears.  

I still remember asking one of the nurses whether they shouldn't do a cat scan, because my sister cannot complain about headaches every day.  This nurse said to me: "The doctor said that she is just pretending and looking for attention."   

The "joy's" of being in a government hospital...  

The meningitis was only discovered after my sister lost consciousness. This was the cause of death, so this man never paid for what he has done to my sister.

Improving my self-esteem, my saving grace

I look back, and can hardly believe that I allowed myself to be disrespected like that.  Being the person that I am today, I cannot believe that I stayed in those relationships back then.  

Before meeting my husband, I managed to start working on improving my self-esteem.  It was a wonderful change to be in a relationship where my opinion mattered, where what I wanted to do, was important as well.

I have since been on a mission to guide women and young girls with improving their self-esteem and level of assertiveness.  I have also developed a training programme that has helped a number of people - including men.

Why do abusive men abuse their partner?

Once again, there are many reasons.  The most important ones, include a lack of self-esteem and assertiveness.  Some abusers grew up in an environment where they were abused as children or witnessed their mother being abused.  They are conditioned into believing that that is how you resolve conflict, and that is what you are supposed to treat women.  This is what they know and the vicious cycle continues, often from the one generation to the next.

How do we change this?  How do we bring those abuse statistics down?
We can do this by taking a real stand.  If you are a woman who is abused by your partner, you can make a decision today to no longer stand for it.  If you have children, look at the effects of witnessing you being abused, has on them.  

When you stay, you are indirectly teaching them that abuse is acceptable. They won't be able to make better decisions.  You have a responsibility to choose in what kind of family your children will grow up.  Make it one where they don't witness abuse.  Improve your self-esteem and assertiveness, because there is no way that you'll allow yourself to be abused when you feel good about yourself and when you know your wonderful worth and value.

Make sure that your young boys grow up knowing that they need to treat women with the same kind of respect that they wish to receive.  Make sure that your young boys grow up with a healthy self-esteem and level of assertiveness.

All too often aggression is mistaken for assertiveness and children are taught, directly or indirectly, that you use your fists to resolve conflict.  This is not okay.  This is not okay.

Let's do our bit to ensure that real positive change.  

Why do we constantly have to work at fixing broken people, when we have an opportunity to try and do things right from the very beginning.  We have an opportunity to write the best messages on that clean slate of our children.

The importance of EMPATHY
What a wonderful virtue?  
With empathy, we can (over time), eradicate so many social ills.  What a wonderful world we'll be able to build when more people would be focusing on the importance of empathy; when more people would consider getting into the shoes of others, BEFORE doing or saying that hurtful thing.

What a wonderful world we'll be able to build when more people would consider asking themselves: How would I feel if someone would do the hurtful thing that I consider doing, to me or to someone I care about?  How would I feel?

And hopefully these questions will inspire us to do something different.


What is your empathy or relationship challenge?
Let us know by sending a text message to the RSG studio 33343 - on week days between 09h00 and 12h00.  Text messages are charged at R1, 50 each.  Alternatively, you can send an email to brinkm@rsg.co.za  We might be focusing on your challenge next time.  And remember, you can stay anonymous.

"RSG, Dis die een."

Thank you.

Yours in Empathy.

Andeline.
Mobile: 072 856 0218
Email: info@andeline.co.za


About Andeline Williams-Pretorius
"Andeline is an Inspirational Speaker and Trainer.  She is the author of a book on empathy, titled: In Mekaar Se Skoene that was published by Naledi.

She is Life Coach / Columnist to Kuier Magazine and regular Empathy and Relationship expert on Afrikaans radio station: RSG.

Andeline was identified by African Innovations as one of South Africa's Most Inspirational Women." 

Their glossy-page coffee table book is available now. It is a wonderful collectors item and will make a wonderful Christmas gift.

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To order your copy (R350,00 each), contact Lonwabo Jabavu at African Innovations Publishing: lonwabo@africaninnovations.co.za   
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