Show empathy to yourself by setting goals

How many of the goals that you set out to achieve in 2012, have you accomplished? Were these real goals or were they simply wishes or dreams? 

If you have accomplished your goals, you should be proud of yourself. If you haven't, remember that it is not the end of the world. You are here, you are alive and that means that you can try again. 

You can use the new year to start afresh and to plan better in order to accomplish your goals.

Image borrowed from austincc.edu

Why do most people fail to set goals?

• Fear of being outside their comfort zone.
• Lack of knowledge – not knowing how to set goals.
• A lack of self-esteem
• A lack of assertiveness
• Fear that they won't succeed and that they will then feel embarrassed.
• Their track record of not being able to follow through makes them feel discouraged.
• They believe that they don't have time to sit down and think of what they want to achieve.
• They are too busy and confuse this “busyness”with accomplishment.

The process of goal-setting

• Take time out to reflect and think about the things that you wish to accomplish in 2013. Do you want to make more money?
  Do you want to work on improving your relationship with your spouse, partner or children? Do you want to make more time for friends?
  Do you want to start a hobby?
  Do you dream of studying further?
  Do you want to get involved in charity work?
  
  
• Make a list
  It is important that we make a list of the things that we want to accomplish.
  Being able to “see” it means that we are one step closer to achieving our goals. We have to write it down, otherwise it is not a goal, but wishful thinking.
  
  
• Create an action-plan.
  What actions can I take to get closer to achieving my goal? This can include identifying someone who has already accomplished the goal that you wish to accomplish, read about them for some inspiration.
  If you want a big and beautiful house, why not make an appointment with a real estate agent who could show you a few houses? If you do not have the money to buy the house yet, make sure that you do not create that impression. It would be dishonest.
  You action-plan may also include things that you need to let go of, things that do not serve you or your goal.

• Every goal should have a deadline
  It is important to also focus on the date by when you want to accomplish a specific goal. It is not good enough to say: “I want to make a million rand soon...” You have to decide on an actual date and include that on your list as well.
  
  
• Be specific
  Instead of saying: “I want a big house...”, say “I want a beautiful big house in (name the area) with (number of bedrooms), with a dream kitchen and built on land of... (the size) hectares...
  If you are looking for the ideal partner, make a list of the qualities that this person should have.

• Believe that you can actually achieve it.
  You have to have faith and believe that you can actually achieve your goals. For this reason, it is important to set realistic goals, goals that are measurable and achievable.

• Create a collage
  When creating a collage for yourself, you have something visual to look at. Cut pictures (representing your goal) from magazines and paste it on cardboard. For one person, this may include a yacht that they want to buy, that beautiful house that they want to live in, the relationship that they wish to work on and improve... What do you wish to accomplish? Put this collage in a place where you are able to see it every day.
  
  
• Review your progress on a regular basis and take regular action to get closer to achieving your goal.

• When you need inspiration on your journey
  When doubt creeps in and you need a little encouragement, remember that not everybody supports your ambitions. For this reason, it is important to speak to the right people when you are feeling low, those who will encourage you and not those who will think of every reason why you should not be ambitious and dream of accomplishing your goals.
  You can also read inspirational books to lift your spirits.

• Remember to celebrate your accomplishments.
  Celebrate every step of action that you take and are able to tick on your list as “done.” This will inspire you to continue.

Happy New Year, happy goal-setting.

And stop beating yourself up over those things that you set out to achieve in 2012, but did not, because today, you have the opportunity to start afresh.

On a personal note

I still remember when I got the idea to write my first book. I was a counsellor at Life Line. This marked another chapter on my journey of personal growth. I was excited, but at the same time, it was scary, because most people whom I told about my book-dream, told me that I won't be able to pull it off, because “I am not somebody” and because “such a dream was simply too big for me.” Well, today I know that we better set big goals; goals that will take us out of our comfort zone. At the time though, my confidence was crushed.

Doubt started to creep into my mind, making me wonder whether the nay-sayers were right. At the time I have done a lot of work with improving my self-esteem, but I wasn't quite there yet. In spite of the doubts, I knew that I could't let go of this dream. It was too important to me, the objective behind it, which was to contribute to uplifting others.

Was I realistic in thinking that I could write a book? After all, where I come from, nobody has ever attempted such a project. I knew that I had a choice to believe that I could or that I couldn't. I choose to believe that I could, because I was already taking action. I committed to writing every day and I did.

Getting inspiration

When we set goals, it is important that we associate with people who will encourage us to continue and that we use negative criticism to our advantage.

My source of inspiration, I found in a few inspirational books. The one titled: Attitude is everything, authored by Jeff Keller – a Motivational Speaker / Author based in the USA.

This book assured me that I had the right attitude.

One day I decided to send him an email. I thanked him for writing his book, told him how it inspired me and told him of my book-dream. A day later, he responded to my email. I couldn't believe it and nearly fell off my chair when I opened my inbox.

He said that writing a book has nothing to do with background, but everything to do with the desire to do so and with commitment to follow through, which I clearly had. He wished me well on my journey. If there was still some doubt in my mind when I wrote to him, then it completely vanished when I read his encouraging message.

I felt unstoppable. I followed through and managed to complete my manuscript.

Challenges are part of the journey

I guess that you can imagine how excited I felt when I managed to find a publisher right away. It was a clear sign that hard work indeed pays off. But then, I lost the publisher, due to somebody sabotaging me. I was devastated. I've worked so hard and now this!

I didn't allow myself to mourn this loss, because right after it happened, I made the decision to publish my own book, because I realised that there was now way for me to convince the publishers to reverse their decision. Unfortunately racial lines were drawn and I knew that there was nothing that I could do about that. All the things I had to endure and managed to overcome over the years, because of my interracial relationship and marriage, will certainly make for an interesting and very inspirational autobiography.  Sometimes you learn to laugh about it, other times you learn to live with it and sometimes it is simply unacceptable and "inhumane" and needs to be addressed.

Down, but not out

I decided to publish my own book. “Stubborn faith” comes to mind. I said to myself: “This has happened, but I'll get up, because giving someone else the power to decide over what is possible for me, was just not an option.

In 2003, (due to stubborn faith and the miracle that I prayed for) I published my own book: Success; it's your choice. It was a wonderful accomplishment, more so, because of this setback. In 2006, my book was approved for the school curriculum for Life Orientation, in the majority of provinces in South Africa.

There are many times when I look back over my journey and am grateful to the setbacks too. They have certainly made me stronger and gave birth to other opportunities, including the fact that I teach others about writing and completing their book, finding a publisher or self-publishing and finding publicity. More importantly though, the setbacks have turned me into someone who makes an effort to be concious of how I treat my fellow human being. And that is a gift that I will cherish for as long as I live.

Forgiveness played a huge role here. It later gave birth to my programme on emotional intelligence, titled: The art of letting go of crippling emotional pain and / prolonged anger.

About Andeline:

Andeline Williams-Pretorius

CEO, Andeline's Motivational Training

PR Consultant

Empathy & Relationship Expert on RSG

Life Coach / Columnist to Kuier magazine

Author of self-published: Success; it's your choice and In mekaar Se Skoene, published by Naledi.

Recognised by African Innovations as one of South Africa's Most Inspirational Women - Their glossy-page coffee table book is available now.

Mobile: 072 856 0218

Http://www.andeline.co.za

Minimise family conflict during Festive gatherings. My Empathy contribution, this morning on RSG.

I love the emphasis that Dr. Phil places on the importance of family when he says: "family first."

Although this sounds like the ideal, this is not the case for all people.  In fact, how often do we hear of family members who do not speak to each other for months, sometimes years.  How sad?

And then someone dies and some family members act as if they never thought of this inevitable event.  They are left with regrets and feelings of guilt, because they never apologised or never had an opportunity to make peace.

Is this your story?

Will your pride and anger be worth it in the end?


With all the festivities around the corner, many families are making plans to spend the Festive Season together.  This time of peace, love and sharing is not always conflict-free.

How do we plan to spend Christmas with family or in-laws and ensure that the end of the Festive Season does not mean the end of a few relationships?

How do we utilise the wonderful wisdom of empathy to ensure that we are sad to say goodbye and not pray that this time with family will go by quickly?

This is what I'll focus on this morning during my regular Empathy slot on RSG.

"RSG, dis die een."


What is your empathy or relationship challenge?

Let us know and I might focus on your challenge next time.  You can stay anonymous.

Send and email to brinkm@rsg.co.za  or a text message to the studio 33343.  
Text messages are charged at R1, 50 each.

And if you still do not have a copy of my book on Empathy, you can order yours today.  
Special offer until Christmas:  Cost: R159, 00 and no postage.

Contact me for more information.

Andeline Williams-Pretorius
CEO, Andeline's Motivational Training
Regular Empathy & Relationship expert on RSG
Life Coach / Columnist to Kuier magazine
Author of Success; it's your choice and In Mekaar Se Skoene
Mobile: 072 856 0218
Email: info@andeline.co.za


"Andeline was recognised by African Innovations as one of South Africa's Most Inspirational Women."